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.A mom with her kid who has a bad cold, a guy who possibly broke his nose, some half-drunk college bro who cut his hand, probably while slicing limes for tequila shots or something equally stupid.None of them are going to die, but my sister might.Not tonight, no, but I know the statistics.The first time Emma got sick, somehow I knew she was going to pull through.But this time? I’m not sure.After we left the house earlier, I kept my cool long enough to get Emma here and handed over to the ER doctors.I held myself together while I called Dad, then left a message with Dr.Nadal over at the U of M.Finally I called Adam, and that’s when I fucking lost it.At least I was in the parking lot when that happened.All choked up, I got the words out that I needed to, and then I just sobbed.Adam listened.Probably with the phone held a foot from his face, but still he listened.And when I was done, he talked me down.I don’t know if it was what he actually said or if it was just the sound of his voice that calmed me, but he got me breathing again and back in the waiting room.I look up as Dad arrives.We talk a bit, but it’s not what I want.I want to smash things.The fluorescent lights beat down cold white, and we sit beside one another, and the night passes with periodic updates as the doctors stabilize my sister’s blood composition so that she will keep getting enough oxygen to live.Chapter Twenty-nineI think doctors live for tests.It’s the only thing that keeps them going through the day, and without them, doctors would melt into a pile of goop like the Wicked Witch of the West.I tell Emma that, and she laughs, even though I can tell she’s in pain.“It’s not that many tests,” she says.“You’re supposed to be arguing the opposite.”She shrugs, and the IV hooked to her arm shifts as she does.“Did Dad go home?”“Yeah.He was up all night.”Emma raises an eyebrow.“What about you?”“I slept some.” I nod my head toward the couch beneath the window.Her expression sinks into a frown.“You guys shouldn’t put yourselves out so much.You could have gone back home, and I would have been just fine.”I want to argue, but I don’t have the strength.“Okay,” I concede.“Tonight I will.”* * * *Things are happening fast.The PET scan gets scheduled and subsequently completed.Basically you drink some radioactive glucose and then lie completely still for an hour and a half.Cancer cells love glucose.They beg, borrow, and steal for it, sucking it up like crazy.Which the PET scan can then detect.The results come back, and we’re lucky.Even though the cancer is back, it’s still just in her bones.Dr.Nadal and the other oncologists convene.They’re going to start Emma back on intensive chemo, and they want to do a bone marrow transplant too.They ask if I’m willing to donate the marrow.Emma says I don’t have to if I don’t want.Dad doesn’t say anything.They’re both being ridiculous, because of course I’m going to do it.The surgery gets scheduled for two days out, and I call Adam to let him know.“Hey,” he answers, breathless.“Were you running or something?”“Yeah, I’m at the gym.Just hopped off the treadmill, though.”“Oh.” I pause, not sure if I even want to talk about this.Not because I don’t want to share it with Adam, but because it makes it easier to pretend that this isn’t happening to my family.“I can let you finish your workout if you want.”“It’s fine,” he says between breaths.“What’s going on?”“They’re going to take marrow from me and give it to Emma.”“How do you feel about that?”“Good.I mean, not good, but… I want to do it.”“Okay.” He sounds uneasy.“What?”“Nothing.”“No, tell me.”Adam sighs, and his voice is a mix of emotions when he speaks.“I know it’s selfish, but I…” He stops, then tries again.“It just makes me nervous that you’re going to have surgery.”“I’d do anything for Emma.”He pauses, and for a moment the only sound is his breathing.“I know you would, and I absolutely think you should do it.But I’m also going to be thinking about you every minute that you’re in the hospital.” He states it with a boundless assurance, as if he were telling me about some incontrovertible scientific fact.“It’s going to be fine,” I tell him.“I know.” He pauses before saying, “You’ll be in the best hands, I’m sure.The first bone marrow transplant ever was done at the U of M.”Leave it to Adam to know that.“The oncologist mentioned that, actually.”He’s quiet for several moments until he asks, “When is the surgery?”“This Thursday.”“Hmm.Okay.”“What?”“Nothing.”I think he’s hiding something again, but this time I don’t push it.* * * *Emma comes home the following day, which I think is silly, because tomorrow we’re going to be right back in the hospital.The doctors wanted to keep her there until transferring her to the U of M, but she insisted on coming home, even if just for a day.I’m camped out on her bed, beginning Mutiny on the Bounty as she sleeps.Dad was here for a while too, but he left to go grocery shopping.He would rather be here with us, I’m sure, but someone has to take care of the mundane things that keep our household running.I look over to find Emma awake and sitting up.“Did you tell Adam that you’re donating?” she asks.“Pretty much right away.”“Hmm.”“What?”She crosses her arms and examines me.“Promise not to be mad if I ask you something?”“No.”Throwing her head back in exasperation, she says, “Well, I’m going to ask you anyway.Are you guys… boyfriends?”“What? No.”Her eyes land on mine, fighting to divine the deceit from my words.And even though what I said was technically true, I still feel a pang of guilt.“I told you, I don’t like it when you and Dad suggest stuff about us.He’s my best friend, that’s all.”“I know, I know,” she says.“But…”“But what?”“Best guy friends don’t usually cuddle.Just saying.”My face flares red, and I drop my eyes as I mumble a reply.“What was that?”“I said, ‘we’re just really close.’”“Mmm,” she hums.“That’s too bad, because I always thought it would be nice to have another brother.”“You always used to say that one was already too much.”She shrugs.“I’ve changed my mind.”Chapter ThirtyThe next day, they hook Emma up to her chemo, and they run through the pre-op procedures with me.Eventually they put me in a curtained area with a folded gown on the chair and a box for my clothes.The air is cool against my skin as I strip down naked.Forcing away my anxiety, I glance in the mirror before putting the gown on.This isn’t the time I figured I’d be donating marrow to Emma – that was supposed to be months and months ago.But I kept up with my workouts and endurance training, and there’s no doubt that I truly am in the best shape of my life.Better than when I played football, and way beyond my level of physical fitness the first two years of college.So whatever cells they pull out of my hip with that giant needle they showed me earlier, they’re bound to be good ones.I just hope it’s enough.“Ready?”I turn around to find one of the nurses poking her head around the edge of the curtain.“Um, yeah.” I swallow my apprehension.“I’m ready.”* * * *I have absolutely no sense of how much time has passed since the anesthesiologist did her work.One minute I was squinting up into the bright lights, the next I was making dad jokes that I was convinced were hilarious, then nothing at all
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