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.’ Pornography: The Musical isn’t what he had in mind.As you might expect, it’s a treasure trove of dreadful lyrics (‘bring in the horse/then order a hearse’ being just one mind-boggling example) and yet more dreadful vocals (particularly from professional phallus manipulator Rebekah Jordan, who really ought to contact her GP and check her larynx hasn’t been permanently clogged by all those coagulated body fluids).D.H.Lawrence once said pornography represented ‘the attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it’ and, having witnessed the frankly jaw- dropping ‘musical bukkake’ sequence in this programme, it’s hard to disagree.Or move.Or speak.In case you don’t know, ‘bukkake’ is … um … well … it’s a term of Japanese origin that refers to the mass deposit of male reproductive fluids into and onto a solitary female recipient courtesy of a mammoth assembly of solemn-looking gentlemen.It’s the sort of thing that’s rarely discussed in Razzle, let alone the Guardian, so it’s fair to say that by setting it to music and then televising it, C4 have a notable first.You might call it a ‘Singing in the Rain’ for the twenty-first century.If you’re a prick.Ultimately, Pornography: The Musical’s main flaw lies in its own novelty value.The songs aren’t as interesting as the straight interview segments they’re intended to embellish.One talking-head sequence in particular, in which a male porn artiste gleefully recounts a cautionary tale about the perils of overzealous rectal douching prior to intercourse, is worth the price of admission alone – even though a) C4 don’t charge an admission fee and b) there’s a very real chance it’ll make you vomit.Ready, Steady … Boo! [25 October]Be afraid.Be very afraid.Tonight Channel 4 showcases the 100 Greatest Scary Moments, which promises to be a decent evening’s entertainment provided Paul Ross doesn’t turn up and spoil it all with his big booming gob.No word yet on which particular example of blood-curdling Channel 4 viewers have crowned the King of Brown Trousers but for a bit of fun, and because I’m an egomaniac with his own bloody column, I’ve decided to compile my own list of spooky moments, which favours TV instead of movies, and has the added advantage of being 14.26 times shorter than its Channel 4 equivalent.Ready, steady … boo!7 Diana eats a guinea pig (V, 1983)Not the late Princess of Hearts – although that would be scary.I’mtalking about Diana the alien dominatrix from the mini-series V,whose subhuman nature is first disclosed when Marc Singer hidesin an air vent and spots her swallowing a giant rodent in true reptile fashion (i.e.by dislocating her lower jaw to fit it all in).I sawthis scene again recently, and like most on this list, it now looksdownright ridiculous, but at the time I was so scared I practicallypooed a new substance consisting of raw, solid fear.6 James Harries on Wogan (1988)You know: the eerie antiques-expert kid who looked like a crossbetween Christopher Atkins from The Blue Lagoon and a squintingrat foetus.The creepiest boy since Damien from The Omen, withthe added spook-value of being entirely non-fictional.5 Doctor Who is virtually dismembered (1980)Everyone has a favourite Who freak-out moment: mine came at theend of episode one of ‘The Leisure Hive’, when Tom Baker appearsin some kind of primitive VR machine, gets his arms and legs tornoff, and screams – the camera zoomed in on his bellowing mouth,the scream blended with the already-terrifying closing title music,and my spine scuttled out my backside and ran for the nearest exit.Couldn’t walk for six months.Cheers, Doctor.4 Charley the cat almost drowns (1970s–1980s)Yes, Charley the cat from the Public Information films (as sampledby the Prodigy in the days when they made harmless rave tunesinstead of violent commercials for spousal abuse and Rohypnol).In a short cartoon intended to alert kids to the dangers of playingnear canals, he plunges beneath the waves to flail about in a terrifyingsubterranean hell, mewling bubbles as he does so.Result: Ispend the rest of my childhood convinced that canals are portals tohell.Cheers, Charley
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