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."Do you knowhow many tons of radioactive crapwill move through Carson City?"477"Crap" was Aunt J's term for it.Dad was suitably impressed.Did I hear yousay "crap"? What kind of voord is that for a daughter of mine to use?I should have stopped.I didn't."Crap is exactly what it is, Dad.Tons and tons of poisonous poop, traveling right down Highway 395."Dad pushed back from the dinner table, jumped to his feet.I will not toleratethat language from you.You will respectme and all the things I stand for.I really don't know what got into me, but I brought my eyes level with his and said, "Not if one of the thingsyou stand for is Yucca Mountain."478Dumb Idea, Oh YeahIn one very quick movement, he came around the table, grabbed my hair, pulledme out of the chair, tossedme to my knees on the floor.I could hear the girls scramble, suffered a hot wind of Johnnie WB.You little buch.You live in myhouse.Eat my food.I'm notputting up with tjour shit anymore.He pushed my head against the floor and my face scrapeddirty linoleum.That was the best of it.Because then his fistbegan to hail against my back.You will remember who 1 am.You will remember who I am.remember who I am.His mantra feil, rhythmicaccompaniment for his drumming.479Finally, he tired, or he couldno longer resist Johnnie's call.I just lay there, afraid to move, hoping he'dmissed everything vital.480Journal Entry, Sep15Okay, I was really stupid.Spouted off to Dad.And boy did he give me a majorreminder about manners at the dinner table.I'm lying here on my stomach because my backfeels mushy and 1 know it must be a mess.It doesn't really hurt, thanks to the eight aspirin I took.That's probably enough to kill me.Wonder ifaspirin dulls the pain of its killing you.Jackie helped.me to bed, iced the worst of the bruises.Mom just sat glued to reality TV, like it couldbe half as good as the very real show in the kitchen tonight.481I'm trying hard to despiseDad for what he did to me.But part of me thinks I deservedit.Besides, compared to otherepisodes in the StephenVon Straften saga, this chapter was nothing.482Dad Took Off HuntIn the dark of the next morning.I heard him go.Once the aspirinwore off, I didn't get much sleep.It sort of surprised me that he'dhead off into the hüls, withMom so close to her due date.But Mom insisted she wasn'tready to go into labor yet.And I guessed she should know.At least I didn't have to look at Dad, make him breakfast, bring him ice cream.In the afternoon Jackie took the girls outside to play whileMom indulged in a nap.I used the time to sneak a call to Ethan and tellhim what had happened.483I got his voice mail, so didn't admit more than how very much I loved him.Then I called Aunt J, not to detail my destruction, but to hear the voice of someone who cared.484Easy EnoughCome Sunday to find things to despise, starting withBishop Crandall, sitting up front, defining at least three of my favorite swear words.Heshould want to help me, help anywoman condemned to a man's fist.I looked at Sister Crandall, all gray and wrinkled like a rhinoceros, andI wondered if she had ever had to come to church propped up by a half-dozen aspirin.Otherwomen passed my seat.I assessed each, seeking signs.This building, disguised as a house of worship, was rather like a hive.A backward hive, for honeybees, at least, have the goodsense to worship the female that giftsthem all with life.They do not hold their drones in such high esteem.But485here, in this hive of hornets, the malesflitted flower to flower, pollinating and stinging and injecting their poison.Ihated everything this place stoodfor, except the one thing it claimed--and miserablyfailed--to represent:my Heavenly father.486My Earthly FatherReTurned from his trip verylate that Sunday night.He pulled Jackie and meout of bed to help himunload a five-point buck from the top of the Subaru.Gutted but not skinned, the deer from behind looked merely asleep.But when we came around in front, death was everywhere-- in the thickcrimson ropes and spatters on the hood, Windows, and doors; in the repulsive perfume leaking from the animal's gaping belly;486487and in its frigid stare.Oh, mostdefinitely, death was rampant there.I staggered a few steps away from the car and vomited foreboding.488By the Time I Got UpFor school the next day, the buck had been neatlybutchered, wrapped, and stacked into freezer-sizepackages.The hide, head, and other detritus were bagged and left for the trashman.Dad's speed and skill with a butcher knife were straight out of a novel:The Silence of the Fawns.Just another reminder to keep my mouth shut aboutFriday night.I sat in class, pulsing pain as my musclesstruggled to heal themselves.Around me the everydaysounds of classrooms and hallways--laughter, lockerdoors, feet skids on polishedwood--echoed.It was all so normal, all so right.AndI could relate to none of it.489In the past I'dalways felt possessed.Neglected.Unloved.School had offeredescape from home's dailysuffocation.But now I feltmarked.Branded.Abused.Those scars would followme there from home.Schoolwould never again gift me with haven.It became justanother chore, something to get over with.Veiy soon.489490Dad Fired the Next VolleyThree weeks later.It was only Thursday, but Johnnie accompanied him through the kitchen door, up the hall, and into the bathroom.The two of them found a flood of toilet water.A plunger revealed the culprit--a sanitarynapkin, become quiteunsanitary by that time.It belonged to 'Lyssa, just past thirteen and never instructed in correctdisposal methods.But it could have beenJackie's.Or mine.Dad called all three of us into the hallway.Which one of you did this? Spitdribbled from his mouth and his red eyes were rimmed with anger.491And when I dared look up into them, I found the hunger of the cougar.'Lyssa crumbled.But before she could own-up,I lied."I did.I'm sorry."492The Cougar PouncedAnd this time I had noEthan to save me from his lethalclaws, shoot him down, dead and harmless.Aviciouspaw Struck the side of my face.The nastyslashtore a pierced earring from its lobe.A second blowcaught the other ear, smack wheresounds went in.It mademereel, but I managed to keepmy feet, despite the clanging
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