[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
.Afterwards, we drove back to the house, where Claire had arranged for a caterer to deliver sandwiches and squares for those who stopped by.For some reason, she’d insisted on serving sweet, sparkling wine, something I hadn’t drunk since ninth grade beach parties.Jonas and I took one look at the green bottles Claire had arranged in ice on the kitchen table, then at each other.I motioned with my head towards my room at the back of the house, and we left the kitchen separately as soon as there was a break in the conversation.Jonas met me in my bedroom a few minutes later with two wineglasses he’d smuggled out of the kitchen.He’d loosened his tie and his shirt was wrinkled under his open suit jacket.I opened the bottle of Scotch that I’d kept in a bag next to my bed and poured us each a healthy measure.I put the cap back on the bottle and tucked it between the bed and the night table.“How’re you holding up, Jonas? Can you wait until tomorrow to see the doctor? Claire’s insistence on a wake is making it difficult to slip away.”“Sure.This medicine will keep me going.” He lifted the glass to his lips and took a long swallow.I raised mine towards Jonas.“A toast to our father and all he accomplished.”“You mean he accomplished something besides looking out for number one?”“It’s a long shot, I know, but people in town seem to have adored him.That must count for something.You know, Jonas, sometimes I think I dreamed all the bad stuff.You know, like we just misunderstood him, and the times he was nice to us were the real Dad.that maybe, we’re the ones with the problem.” It was the first time I’d voiced the uncertainty that had grown stronger as I’d aged and distanced myself from that time.I’d judged my father through child’s eyes.Could we have been wrong or exaggerated his faults? I knew he’d been flawed, but perhaps we’d been too harsh, building up hurts beyond what they were.Jonas blinked rapidly and lowered himself onto my bed.He ran a trembling hand through his hair in the nervous gesture I knew too well.I immediately regretted upsetting him.“Let’s not think of it now,” I said quickly and sat down beside him, reaching up and resting my arm on his shoulders.“I love you, little brother,” I said.“We’ll get through this.I won’t leave until things are sorted out.” I could feel him shaking under my arm, and I hugged him tighter.“I feel like I’m just hanging on, Maja.Sometimes, I wonder if it’s worth it.”My mother’s gentle voice came back to me in sudden clarity.Is it worth it, Maja? Sometimes, I’m just so tired.Her hands fluttering like white birds.Her blue eyes wet with tears that had slid like pearls down her cheeks.I had known she was ill and I had left her.“I’ll see you through, Jonas.This time, I’m not going anywhere.You have to hang in for Claire and Gunnar.and me.”Jonas turned his face toward mine until we were almost touching.His eyes were bruised by dark circles.He was having difficulty focusing, the irises of his eyes vibrating like tuning forks.These signs that a depression was imminent cut into my heart.“You are wrong, you know, Maj,” he said.“None of it was a dream.The monster we saw was the real Dad.All the rest was just smoke and mirrors.The man everybody knew and loved was one big lie.”TENAfter the third trip to my room to refill my wineglass, I began to almost enjoy myself.The afternoon light had given way to the dusk of evening before I stopped greeting neighbours and reminiscing about my childhood.It was a reminder that not all memories were bad.I found Sonja Mattsen sitting on the green couch in the living room and sat down beside her.She’d lived up the road and had been good friends with my mother.She was seventy now and had lived a harder life than most.Two of her children had died— Danny drowned playing in the lake at age five and Tommy was killed in the Gulf War.I wondered where she’d found the strength to carry on.She patted my arm as she spoke.“You were the prettiest child, Maja Larson, with your long white hair and blue eyes the colour of cornflowers.I worried that the boys wouldn’t leave you alone, you were that pretty.But you never seemed to have any interest.You were a smart one, that’s for sure, and not a speck of vanity.”I thought I’d outgrown blushing, but I could feel the heat rise up my cheeks.“I never thought of myself that way.When the boys came around, it was to tease me or to hang out with Jonas.”Sonja’s eyes were kind.“Your dear mother was so proud of you.She’d be bursting her seams to know you were a doctor up in Canada.” She leaned forward, opened her arms and drew me into a hug.“Thanks, Sonja.It warms me to hear you say that.”Would my mother be proud of me? I imagined that if she hadn’t died, she’d have visited me in Ottawa in my upper middle class home during the course of my marriage, if I’d cajoled her into the trip.I would have had to use my most persuasive arguments, because she’d hated travelling far from Duved Cove.She’d have politely toured my home and mouthed the appropriate words of approval.She’d even have gone so far as to tell me how lucky I was to have such a fine life, but inside I’d have known that she did not approve of my closetful of clothes and my expensive furnishings.What would have disappointed her most would have been that I was using my talent to make people look younger, but she would never have told me that.She’d just have come up with excuses for not returning to Ottawa, and I would have tried not to let on that I knew the real reason she would not visit again.Sonja stood to leave.She hesitated before saying, “Do you know that Katherine Lingstrom has been staying with her mother since Christmas?”I was surprised by her words.“I thought Katherine was married and living in Wisconsin?”Sonja nodded.“She was, but something has gone very wrong with her marriage.She’s had a breakdown of some sort and doesn’t want to see anybody.Her mother was out getting groceries last week, and we had coffee.She’s been very worried.I know that you and Katherine were best friends before you both moved away, so she thought you might want to know.”“Thanks for telling me, Sonja.I will try to pay her a visit.” I ran a hand across my forehead.“I can’t believe it.Katherine was always so happy when I knew her as a kid.” We hadn’t been as close in our teenage years, but we’d spent our grade school years inseparable.“People can change a lot, Maja.Life isn’t always as kind as we’d like.Sometimes it damages people beyond repair.”I spotted Becky and Kevin Wilders standing in the doorway.Becky seemed to light up the room in all of her peacock blue splendour.She’d reapplied her eye makeup and lipstick; the bright colours were garish against her pale skin.Kevin had his arm around her shoulder and seemed to be saying something unpleasant into her ear, judging by the unhappy expression on her face
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]