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.And, Lord, Lord, what a light has come into the understanding of Thy servant! It has come to me like a revelation out of Heaven that my feeling for Benedicta is more and less than what I thought it.It is an earthly love – the love of a man for a woman.As first this knowledge broke into my consciousness my breath came short, my heart beat quick and hard; it seemed to me that I should suffocate.Yet such was the hardness of my heart from witnessing so terrible an injustice tolerated by Heaven, that I was unable wholly to repent.In the sudden illumination I was blinded: I could not clearly see my degree of sin.The tumult of my emotions was not altogether disagreeable; I had to confess to myself that I would not willingly forego it, even if I knew it wicked.May the Mother of Mercy intercede for me!Even now I cannot think that in supposing myself to have a divine mandate to save the soul of Benedicta, and prepare her for a life of sanctity, I was wholly in error.This other human desire – comes it not also of God? Is it not concerned for the good of its object? And what can be a greater good than salvation of the soul? – a holy life on earth, and in Heaven eternal happiness and glory to reward it.Surely the spiritual and the carnal love are not so widely different as I have been taught to think them.They are, perhaps, not antagonistic, and are but expressions of the same will.O holy Franciscus, in this great light that has fallen about me, guide thou my steps.Show to my dazzled eyes the straight, right way to Benedicta's good!At length the sun disappeared behind the cloister.The flakes and cloudlets gathered upon the horizon; the haze rose from the abyss and, beyond, the purple shadow climbed higher and higher the great slope of the mountain, extinguishing at last the gleam of light upon the summit.Thank God, O thank God, she is free!XVIIII have been very ill, but by the kind attention of the brothers am sufficiently recovered to leave my bed.It must be God's will that I live to serve Him, for certainly I have done nothing to merit His great mercy in restoring me to health.Still, I feel a yearning in my soul for a complete dedication of my poor life to Him and His service.To embrace Him and be bound up in His love are now the only aspirations that I have.As soon as the holy oil is on my brow, these hopes, I am sure, will be fulfilled, and, purged of my hopeless earthly passion for Benedicta, I shall be lifted into a new and diviner life.And it may be that then I can, without offense to Heaven or peril to my soul, watch over and protect her far better than I can now as a wretched monk.I have been weak.My feet, like those of an infant, failed to support my body.The brothers carried me into the garden.With what gratitude I again looked upward into the blue of the sky! How rapturously I gazed upon the white peaks of the mountains and the black forests on their slopes! Every blade of grass seemed to me of special interest, and I greeted each passing insect as if it were an old acquaintance.My eyes wander to the south, where the Galgenberg is, and I think unceasingly of the poor child of the hangman.What has become of her? Has she survived her terrible experience in the public square? What is she doing? Oh, that I were strong enough to walk to the Galgenberg! But I am not permitted to leave the monastery, and there is none of whom I dare ask her fate.The friars look at me strangely; it is as if they no longer regarded me as one of them.Why is this so? I love them, and desire to live in harmony with them.They are kind and gentle, yet they seem to avoid me as much as they can.What does it all mean?XIXI have been in the presence of the most reverend Superior, Father Andreas.»Your recovery was miraculous,« said he.»I wish you to be worthy of such mercies, and to prepare your soul for the great blessing that awaits you.I have, therefore, my son, ordained that you leave us for a season, to dwell apart in the solitude of the mountains, for the double purpose of restoring your strength and affording you an insight into your own heart.Make a severe examination apart from any distractions, and you will perceive, I do not doubt, the gravity of your error.Pray that a divine light may be shed upon your path, that you may walk upright in the service of the Lord as a true priest and apostle, with immunity from all base passions and earthly desires.«I had not the presumption to reply.I submit to the will of His Reverence without a murmur, for obedience is a rule of our Order.Nor do I fear the wilderness, although I have heard that it is infested with wild beasts and evil spirits.Our Superior is right: the time passed in solitude will be to me a season of probation, purification and healing, of which I am doubtless in sore need.So far I have progressed in sin only; for in confession I have kept back many things.Not from the fear of punishment, but because I could not mention the name of the maiden before any other than my holy and blessed Franciscus, who alone can understand.He looks kindly down upon me from the skies, listening to my sorrow; and whatever of guilt there may be in my compassion for the innocent and persecuted child he willingly overlooks for the sake of our blessed Redeemer, who also suffered injustice and was acquainted with grief.In the mountains it will be my duty to dig certain roots and send them to the monastery.From such roots as I am instructed to gather the Fathers distil a liquor which has become famous throughout the land, even as far, I have been told, as the great city of Munich.This liquor is so strong and so fiery with spices that after drinking it one feels a burning in his throat as if he had swallowed a flame from hell; yet it is held in high esteem everywhere by reason of its medicinal properties, it being a remedy for many kinds of ills and infirmities; and it is said to be good also for the health of the soul, though I should suppose a godly life might be equally efficacious in places where the liquor cannot be obtained.However this may be, from the sale of the liquor comes the chief revenue of the monastery.The root from which it is chiefly made is that of an Alpine plant called gentiana, which grows in great abundance on the sides of the mountains
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