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.He is a commodity.«Two DogsThe Dog as created had a rigid tail, but after some centuries of a cheerless existence, unappreciated by Man, who made him work for his living, he implored the Creator to endow him with a wag.This being done he was able to dissemble his resentment with a sign of affection, and the earth was his and the fulness thereof.Observing this, the Politician (an animal created later) petitioned that a wag might be given him too.As he was incaudate it was conferred upon his chin, which he now wags with great profit and gratification except when he is at his meals.Judge and PlaintiffA Man of Experience in Business was awaiting the judgment of the Court in an action for damages that he had brought against a railway company.The door opened and the Judge of the Court entered.»Well,« said he, »I am going to decide your case to-day.If I should decide in your favor I wonder how you would express your satisfaction.«»Sir,« said the Man of Experience in Business, »I should risk your anger by offering you one-half the sum awarded.«»Did I say I was going to decide that case?« said the Judge, abruptly, as if awakening from a dream.»Dear me, how absent-minded I am! I mean I have already decided it, and judgment has been entered for the full amount that you sued for.«»Did I say I would give you one-half?« said the Man of Experience in Business, coldly.»Dear me, how near I came to being a rascal! I mean, that I am greatly obliged to you.«Return of the RepresentativeHearing that the Legislature had adjourned, the People of an Assembly District held a mass-meeting to devise a suitable punishment for their Dishonorable Representative.By one speaker it was proposed that he be disembowelled, by another that he be made to run the gauntlet.Some favored hanging, some thought that it would do him good to appear in a suit of tar and feathers.An Old Man famous for his wisdom and his habit of drooling on his shirt-front suggested that they first catch their hare.So the Chairman appointed a committee to watch for the victim at midnight and take him as he should attempt to sneak into town across-lots from the tamarack swamp.At this point in the proceedings they were interrupted by the sound of a brass band.Their Dishonorable Representative was driving up from the railway station in a coach-and-four, with music and a banner.A few moments later he entered the hall, went upon the platform and said it was the proudest moment of his life.(Cheers.)The MirrorA silken-eared Spaniel who traced his descent from King Charles the Second chanced to look into a mirror that was leaning against the wainscoting of a room on the ground floor of his mistress' house.Seeing his reflection, he supposed it to be another dog, outside, and said:»I can chew up any such milksoppy pup as that, and I will.«So he ran out-of-doors and around to the side of the house where he fancied the enemy was.It so happened that at that moment a Bulldog sat there sunning his teeth.The Spaniel stopped short in dire consternation and after regarding the Bulldog a moment from a safe distance said:»I don't know whether you cultivate the arts of peace or your flag is flung to the battle and the breeze and your voice is for war.If you are a civilian the windows of this house flatter you worse than a newspaper, but if you're a soldier they do you a grave injustice.«This speech being unintelligible to the Bulldog he only civilly smiled, which so terrified the Spaniel that he dropped dead in his tracks.Saint and Sinner»My friend,« said a distinguished officer of the Salvation Army to a Most Wicked Sinner, »I was once a drunkard, a thief, an assassin.The Divine Grace has made me what I am.«The Most Wicked Sinner looked at him from head to foot.»Henceforth,« he said, »the Divine Grace, I fancy, will let well enough alone.«A Weary EchoA Convention of female writers, which for two days had been stuffing Woman's couch with goose-quills and hailing the down of a new era, adjourned with unabated enthusiasm, shouting, »Place aux dames!« And Echo wearily replied, »O, damn.«Three RecruitsA Farmer, an Artisan and a Laborer went to the King of their country and complained that they were compelled to support a large standing army of consumers, who did nothing for their keep.»Very well,« said the King, »my subjects' wishes are the highest law.«So he disbanded his army and the consumers became producers also.The sale of their products so brought down prices that farming was ruined and their skilled and unskilled labor drove artisans and laborers into almshouses and highways.In a few years the national distress was so great that the Farmer, the Artisan and the Laborer petitioned the King to restore the standing army.»What!« said the King; »you wish to support those idle consumers again?«»No, your Majesty,« they replied – »we wish to enlist.«The Ancient OrderHardly had that ancient order, the Sultans of Exceeding Splendor, been completely founded by the Grand Flashing Inaccessible, when a question arose as to what should be the title of address among the members.Some wanted it to be simply ›my lord,‹ others held out for ›your dukeness,‹ and still others preferred ›my sovereign liege.‹ Finally the gorgeous jewel of the order gleaming upon the breast of every member suggested ›your badgesty,‹ which was adopted and the order became popularly known as the Kings of Catarrh.A Fatal DisorderA Dying Man who had been shot was requested by officers of the law to make a statement and be quick about it.»You were assaulted without provocation, of course,« said the District Attorney preparing to set down the answer.»No,« replied the Dying Man, »I was the aggressor
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