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.""I can't just take off for the beach right now.I'm not dressed.I'm not ready.""You used to be ready for anything.""Well, I'm not anymore.Okay?" she snapped, running a hand through her tousled hair."You should have called first.You can't just barge into my life and take over.""That's what you did to me," Luke said.He stared at her for a long moment, his good humor slowly fading like the air out of a balloon."I never knew what hit me.You swept me off my feet.""I couldn't lift you off the ground.""You did it with your smile, your passion for life.I took that away, didn't I? God, I wish I could give it back to you.""You can't." Jenny tried to ignore the way he was looking at her.She pulled the sash tighter around her waist, suddenly very aware of her skimpy outfit and the rumpled bed just down the hall.He looked so good this morning, better than a cup of coffee, better than a hot bagel with cream cheese.Food.She needed food and coffee.Then she could make her list and get organized.But first, she needed to wake up and deal with this man in a logical and rational manner.Logical and rational?"Oh my God," she said out loud."What's wrong now?""I just realized -- I've turned into you."Luke smiled."I was thinking the same thing.""I don't want to be you.""I don't want to be me, either."Jenny put a hand to her head, which was suddenly throbbing with the beginning of a very painful headache."Luke, go home.""Not a chance, sweetheart." His smile was back in full force."We've both changed.That's true.Let's find out who we are now.We'll get your work done, I promise.Just give me an hour.You won't regret it.""I hate when people say that." Jenny headed for the bedroom."All right.I'll get dressed.Make me some coffee, okay?""Coffee? Uh, Jenny."Jenny paused in the doorway."What's wrong now?""I don't know how to make coffee.My secretary does it."She started to laugh softly then with the sheer joy of feeling good again.Luke looked helplessly charming.God help her."Then it's about time you learned," she said."Beans are in the cupboard.Give it your best shot.""What if I screw up?""Then you'll know how the rest of us feel ninety-nine percent of the time."Chapter Twenty-Five"I messed up," Richard said as he faced Merrilee across the kitchen counter."Merrilee wiped down the counter with a sponge.She didn't want to look at him.She didn't want him to see her red, blotchy eyes, didn't want him to know how badly he had hurt her.He hadn't come home last night, for which she had been supremely grateful, but it was now almost seven o'clock on Saturday evening, and she had spent the last eight hours waiting on pins and needles for his arrival.She knew they would have to talk, make decisions about their marriage.She just didn't know if she was ready."Merrilee."Reluctantly, she turned to look at him.His face was haggard.There was fear in his eyes and that gave her hope.After a moment, she walked over to the kitchen table and sat down.Richard silently followed.They sat there like two strangers for almost five minutes.Finally, Richard spoke."It's not an excuse, but I was lonely, Merrilee.You don't seem to need me in your life.""What do you mean? Everything I do is for you and the children.I cook your meals.I take care of your house.I hem your goddamned pants.I sew your buttons on, even when sluts like that Blair probably tear them off.""But you don't love me," Richard said simply."You used to.I don't know when things changed.One day I realized it had been a month since we'd made love.The next time I looked at the calendar it had been three months, then four.You're so damned independent, you don't need me for anything, not even sex.""This is not my fault.Don't try to pin it on me."Merrilee started to rise, but Richard pulled her back down."We need to talk.We've needed to talk for months.""You apparently needed more than talk.""I'm sorry."Merrilee sent him a look of amazement."That's supposed to make it better?""Nothing can make it better.We're going nowhere, except further apart.I think I've been wanting you to find me like that for months.It seemed the more I rubbed it in your face, the more you denied it was happening.After a while, I figured if you didn't care, why should I?""I do care.I love you." Her voice filled with pain, and she knew he could hear it."I've never loved anyone but you.From the day we met, I've been afraid I wouldn't be good enough.You were the life of the party, everybody's best friend.I was never that, and I couldn't imagine that you'd stay with me.After we had the children, I guess I wasn't as interested in sex as you were, then the longer it was in between, the more doubts I had that I was any good at it.""Rather than risk being bad, you stopped altogether.""You found your pleasure elsewhere, so what difference does it make?""A lot.I remember how we were that first year we fell in love, necking on your father's couch for hours.We couldn't get enough of each other.What happened to the girl I fell in love with?""She grew up, Richard." Merrilee sat back in her chair and crossed her arms.She didn't want to talk about the past, the way she had been as a young girl, the hopes and dreams she had carried in her heart.She had fallen in love with Richard when she was twenty years old.Richard was the one she had clung to when her mother died, just a year after their first meeting.Now she could barely remember why they had gotten together.He was nothing like that young man, and she was nothing like that young girl."You didn't grow up, you grew hard," Richard said."After your mother died, you became more concerned with controlling everyone's life than just loving them.""I had to take control.I was the oldest.Jenny was only fifteen years old.She needed me.""In the beginning, maybe, but not for the past ten years, Merrilee.You know, I work a lot of overtime, most of it legitimately, because you have such high expectations.I've been killing myself trying to live up to your standards.But I can't do it.""I never told you to work overtime.I just wanted you to have a successful career.And this isn't about my standards, Richard.You cheated on me.I don't know if I can ever forgive you for that.""I'm sure you can't.Just like you can never forgive Jenny for loving Luke and having Danny out of wedlock, and you can never forgive Matt for not making it in the pros.You're just like your father." He took off his tie and laid it on the table in front of them, a battle line of red silk."I'm not like my father," Merrilee said in horror."Yes, you are.John is old and isolated, because he can't accept people for what they are.I see you doing it to our children.William is so determined to get good grades, I caught him studying at midnight with a flashlight.He's eleven years old, for God's sake."Richard's criticism cut through her soul, and Merrilee hated to admit there was even a hint of truth to it."You're a fine one to talk, Richard.You're not even home with the children.And I love my brother and sister.They don't feel that I'm critical and controlling.""Don't they? Come on, Merrilee.Lie to me if you want, but don't lie to yourself.And don't you feel the same way about your own father? That what you do is never good enough?"Merrilee looked away from his eyes.Of course, she did.He was right -- at least about John.She would give him that much.But Matt and Jenny were different.They knew she loved them.Didn't they?"This is not just about me, Richard," Merrilee said forcefully."You used to listen to me.You used to share things.I can't talk to you anymore.Even when you're physically in the house, mentally you're somewhere else.I've had sole responsibility for the kids for years now, and it's wearing on me, too.Constance is always pushing her limits, testing me, and William is right behind her
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